Wishful Thinking...

I stayed home sick today from school. Mom's off at work, and so is dad. Its just me and my pooche here. Most of the time i really enjoy some alone time, today however I am left to way too much thought. So instead of driving myself crazy with a loopy-de-loop thought process that could be viewed as comical...or dangerous..haha I decieded to get out the Christmas decorations. Well unfortunatley this didn't help. Mainly due to the fact that I have realized that I do not pocess that girly characteristic of being able to decorate. I suck at it. So I gave up on that and sat on the floor frustrated surrounded by Christmas decorations. In my frustration I decieded to think about something I was good at! Present giving!! My mind kicked into over drive thinking of what I wanted to get people for Christmas! I started making a list in my head of the people i just HAD to get the perfect present for. Then I started brainstorming all the things I knew these amazing people deserved and how I wanted so bad to be the one to give it to them. It was a lot of fun! Until I realized something...I'm a hostess at a tiny restuarnt...who makes minimum wage. Wouldn't it be nice if I could be rich just for one holiday, just for a tiny bit. Oh me and my horrible decorating skills, lack of money, and wishful thinking.

And Now I Welcome You To....Limbo

You know what I have realized? How much of this life we spend waiting. Waiting for "him"...Waiting to drop those few pounds...Waiting in line at the grocery store...Waiting for a call....Waiting to hear back from a job...Waiting....Waiting..WAITING!!!! Luckly we normally find ourselves in the posistion of concentrating on waiting for one thing in particular. However...every now and then we find ourseleves at a point where we are waiting for EVERYTHING! This is a little place I like to call Limbo. I feel a bit like Nemo when I'm here. Like I'm in a fish bowl watching people come in and out of the doctor's office, occasionally pressing their faces up against the glass leaving smuges. I can't really move anywhere until I decied to break out! Then after I make this decision...I still have to wait for the perfect time to do it! Well here I am...welcome to Limbo. I have been accepted into the college I want to go to...I have sent our a few letters to some beloved missionary's of mine....and I have done (well at least I think I have) what I can for the people I love around me. I should probably consider putting up some decorations, possibly planting a few flowers, cause I think I'm going to be stuck in Limbo for quite some time.

I've Been Saved

The summer previous to my junior year I was struggling. Struggling with myself, with my religion, just the kind of person I wanted to be and the person I was allowing myself to turn into. This was the summer that I met you. It all started with a letter cordially inviting me to sit with them at lunch. So silly. Little did you know that you were saving me. You made me realize so much. Who I am, what I want, and that this gospel was true. I've always preached to everyone around me how great they were but I could never convince myself how great I was and that I was a true daughter of a king as well. You have helped me realize this. I can not thank you enough. I literally think about what you have done for me daily. I know that you're struggling right now, and believe it makes me hurt. I hurt so bad to watch you slowly forget how unbelievable you are. I just want you to know that it might not be OK right now, but it will be. You saved me and I will be here for you no matter what. I am praying for you daily, thinking of you constantly, and grateful for you eternally. I love you more than I can say, please...please know that.

We Are Animals!

So first of all Happy Thanksgiving to all my avid readers! consisting on my best friends! ha ha
Today my family and I celebrated this wonderful holiday made for elastic pants and loose t-shirts in the best way possible. We woke up slowly making our way downstairs to the smell of delicious food, and of course the Macy's Day Parade dancing its way across our big screen down stairs. Around 12 we moseyed on over to our car to go to go ole Hank and Tammy's house carrying varies thanksgiving treats as well as two dogs. My big, lovable, and old German Shepard Chanel. Then as a new addition to the family this week is Daisy. A tiny little white fluffy dog that gives me the strong urge to put in a purse while I wear a pink dress and go to law school. Proceeding with the day, we stuffed our faces....until it hurt...naturally. Then with our full belly's we all sat around the television and made old Uncle Sam proud. We watched football. Endless amounts of football drifting in and out of our turkey coma's and making funny comments here and there. In between exciting plays we all watched the four dogs we had brought together for the occasion interact. It was here that I realized how ridiculously animal like we are!
Daisy, our new addition, and Hank and Tammy's dog Chandler, "hit it off" to say the least. At first these dogs merly sniffed and circled each other. However by the end of the evening they became quite comfy together. If Chandler ever decide he needed a small rest from all the absurd amount of flirting he was putting in, he would find a nice place on the rug where Daisy would make her way over strutting her stuff. After playing a little "hard to get" Chandler would get right back up and start chasing away. By the end of the night they were practically making out! We had to get the shock collar on that boy! This made me laugh for a number of reasons. Firstly just cause they were so darn cute to watch. Secondly because being honest here...This game they were playing just so happens to be one of my favorite pass times! However, since I'm already being completely honest might as well admit, I am absolutely itching in anticipation for the day the game is over. No more chasing, no more running, just settling down by the fire with the other two old dogs...enjoying my full belly, and resting with someone I love, knowing he Love's me too. Sometimes that's pretty hard to imagine, but I'm praying he's out there, just as excited as I am. Until that day....I guess we can all just be animals!

I've never really been that good at Tug-a-War

Have you ever felt like you were in the middle of a tug-a-war game. Only you don't get the privilege of picking a side..no instead you get to be the rope. Well I am currently playing that game. And unfortunately, I am the rope. In so many aspects of my life I am being drug in two separate directions. More than anything I want to be there for both sides that are tugging on me, but there is only so much I can do. I cannot, despite fervent efforts on my part, please everyone. I'm completely lost right now. How can I help you, and YOU at the same time? Is it even possible? When do I have to start doing something for myself, and how do I even do that when all "myself" wants is for you to be happy. And YOU to be happy. Going through times like these makes me respect my father in heaven so much. How many times does he have to watch us struggle and know that he can only help us as much as we want to be helped. At this point I'm just praying that I will find the right way to handle my life right now. In the mean while, I'm so sorry....I've just never been that good at Tug-a-War.

When?

Sometimes there are no answers that we are excesible to. We just don't know why what's happening is happening. It's times like these that all we can really do is ask why...and then accept that there's just not going to be an answer. So thats what I'm going to do. I am going to just send a question out there that I can not find an answer to.

When?

 When is it suppose to get easier?

When am I suppose to accept what I now know is the TRUTH?

 When will I be able to start doing something for myself?

When will having to say goodbye going to become less painful?

When will I find someone that actually wants me...all the time? Is he even there?

Just as a side note, Jacob Walker Robinson, I am going to miss you more than you know. I am so proud of you and I love you so much. I can not thank you enough for doing what you have done for me, you have been the best friend I don't deserve, and I'll be seeing you in two years.

Isn't it Ironic...

I find life to be one huge ironic moment. How many times do we find ourselves rumaging through the frige because we have to make cookies for some odd reason we normally woulnd't have, and....no eggs. Even though just two days ago we had a whole carton. Or you purposely go to bed early a night so you can get up early to have a good hair day to you can suprise the kids at school (cause by this point they're all pretty use to you looking like a hobo) and this is the one morning your waiting and prepared for that dreaded alarm to go off....oops, malfuntion...no alarm. Or what seems to be taking over MY life at the current moment, when all you want is to not have plans for the day, and your day is filled to the point your basically saying "hey father time, this whole 24 hour day thing....yea, its not going to work out so much for me today. How does 28 sound?"  And then I have those days where you literally cannot think of a reason to leave the house. Why is it whenever I find myself sitting at home thinking..."hey wouldn't it be nice to have an excuse to get dressed...or uh...bathe..." and the only thing I want is to get out of the stinking house! But whenever I have TOO many things to do...all I want is a day where I have nothing to do. For some reason my life often takes the pattern of coming in huge waves all at once, or I'm lucky if the wind creates a little movement. Maybe this is just me being picky with what I want....or maybe life is as ironic as I think it is.

"My Life Would Suck Without You"

I am so ridiculously blessed. For some reason I have found the sneaky way of tricking a number of amazing people to be apart of my life. I'm not exactly sure how I managed it, some might describe me as a bit of a uh...well freak! But I did it! Their mine and I get the privilege of calling them my best friends. They make me laugh until I cry, then find a way of making me laugh when the tears are actually flowing. They know me better than I know myself, and still like me! I can't believe how lucky I got with them, and sincerley hope that they know how much I vaule their friendship and that hopefully one day I can be as good of a friend to them. I love them more than this small little blog can describe. If there is anything that I've learned through out my highschool expriences (which are almost over!!!!!) is that there is a plan. We are here for a purpose much bigger than ourselves, and that we cannot do it alone. He know's this though, so He sent us His son, and brothers and sisters to help us through what we can't do alone. These amazing people have brought me through what I couldn't do alone and have helped me become someone I want to be. Thank you so much.

L@uRen! Lauren Lauren Lauren...I know I tell you this all the time, but your advise is something I just couldn't live without. You are such a beautiful person inside and out. You know what you want out of life, and I would like to see someone who could stand in your way of getting it. You see things in such orignal ways and I admire you so much for that. Brandon is such a lucky man Lauren Dunn. Thank you for what you do for me, I'll never forget you LaUren Dunn...and that's not just because we're going to be FRIENDS FOREVER! ;)

LinD$ey <3 What the Doy Lindsey Robinson. Why do you have this way of making me feel like I'm worth so much love?! Why is it when I'm with you I want to be a better person? Why are you just one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen and have a way of making everything around so darn cutesy? Why is it sometimes I have to remind you how amazing you are? Can't you just see it in the mirror oozing out your pretty face and amazing style?!  That's ok though, I love reminding you :)Your going to make such an amazing mother, and have made one of the best friends I have ever had.

KiRRRstEn :D Oh. My. Stars. PROFESSOR! You have this amazing talent of just being whoever the heck you want to be, and not giving a hoot for what anyone thinks. But little do you know, this is what everyone is thinking...."why on earth does she get to have a body like that and I don't? or...Can I please be able to make an accent as weird and funny as her?! or...Why is this girl about to make me pee from laughing so darn hard at something that isn't even that funny!? and then some of us say, "how did i get so lucky to have her as one of my very bestest friends?" i Love you :)

*H0Lly* Oh Holly Ray. There are very few people that have become such a part of my heart as you have. I met you in the sixth grade...and yes my first thought was, is this girl asian or white!? But do you know what my second thought was? I wonder if I'll ever get to be friends with that girl. It's a little funny how you don't realize how much people love you. It takes a lot out of me not to be jealous of you sometimes Holly Ray. I love you so much, for your good looks, your humor, your heart, and how cute it is when you try not to freak out when I cry around you. You are amazing. I love you :)

$tEpHen <3 Stephen. You've taught me so much. About the person I am, about the person I want to be, about how to handle certain situation, about how to have a more positive outlook on life, and about how important it is to be happy. I love that when you smile it goes way past a motion that you make with your mouth. Your whole face smiles. You've effected me in so many ways and I know that it wasn't on accident that I met you. Thank you so much for what you've done for me. 
 
Br0oke My dearest Brookie Cookie. I almost don't even know what to say. I love you so much it's kind of hard to explain. There's times when your exactly what i want, and we go CRAZY or just be slugs...and then there's times where your exactly what I know I need..and don't always want. You tell me how it is Brooke, and you do it because you care. Your so talented in so many different ways and have so much to offer this world. I truly believe that there is such a speacial plan for you. One that our Heavenly Father gave to you because He knew know one could do it like you could. I love you Brooke Hurley forever and for always.

JaKey hehe oh Jakey...You. Are. Such. A. NUT! You serisouly just make me laugh thinking about you and our friendship. We are so odd. But I love it! And I love you! You just so happen to be one of the best listeners I know and always make me feel so speacial. Your going to make a great husband to some lucky girl one day, you'll make her laugh, impressed (by your crazy dance moves) and just loved. I love you Jacob Walker Robinson. Thank you for being my friend :)

BrIaNnA Brianna Cross. Why is it your my best friend? Is it because you know me better than I know me? Or is it because we've been through everthing together, and your the reason I come out the other side a better person. You don't know it Bri, but you have so much going for you. You are insaine gorgeous, you make me laugh on a daily basis, you have a crazy sense of self control (when you want it) and have this amazing ablity to love. When you love someone Bri, there's nothing better. You put your heart and soul into what you do and who you love. Whoever gets to call you his Mrs. is a lucky man. And will have to share you with me, cause your going to be my best friend forever Brianna Cross :)

bRaxTy silly braxty. You just have know idea. No idea how much potential you have. Or how you have such an amazing way of making me laugh. Or how you can just crack me up with your clever words. Sometimes I just wanna smack you and make you realize it! But I won't do that cause I love you to darn much. When you put your mind to something you exceed what you origanly wanted just to prove to yourself you can do better. Your going to make an amazing father one day. I'm so excited for you and your future Braxton. :)

M0oSe Oh my sweet moosey. You are everything a person needs. You always know what to say, and have this weird way of knowing the days when I deeply need a simple I love you message from you. You are so smart and set such high expectations for yourself. You have such an inspiring testimony in the church. You just make me laugh with your corny jokes, and always makes me remember i'm not alone, you always find a way to relate to me and help explain to me what exactly i'm feeling. And your not so hard on the eye's either ;) you are so beautiful Moose and I love you more than I can tell you!
   

Can I Be Like Ya'll?! only....not really.... :)

My sister has always been someone that I sercetly looked up to. Not that I would ever tell her that, we're the kind of sisters that when we compliment eachother it goes something like this....

"so...you don't look so fat today....and uh..your hair...did you brush it???!

 this is normally followed by a swift kick in the pants and a goofy lookin smile. And to be honest with you, I LOVE IT! I absolutley love our weird relationship and she's my best friend. She knows more about me than I do. I love that she has know earthly idea how much she has to offer this world. She has this crazy way of being able to love someone or something with her full heart, it makes her so passionate...which occasionall (or not so occasionally) makes her slightly (or not so slightly) emotional. But it's only because she honestly cares that much, and she wants to express it. She can't ever do something just half way. It's always been me and Bri. Two Pea's in a weird little pod. And then she met him. She found Levi. That lucky dog! At BYU-I she managed to find herself some goofy little guy who would turn her inside out. Levi, in all seriousness I wanted to thank you. Thank you for what you've done to my sister. You've made her such a better person. I know that I may not know you ALL that well yet, but I know that you are the kind of man who does what he knows is right. You put the Lord first, and for that he has blessed you with the ability to change lives. Cause that's what you do Levi. You've changed my sister's life. I've notice that you do things only if they really matter, and that is so refreshing. You served your country cause you knew that it would matter. You served your Heavenly Father for two years cause you knew it would matter. You found my sister and worked to have this amazing relationship with her because you knew it would matter. And you've helped me with so many aspects of my life, and it really did matter. Thank you guys, for being so much of an example to me. Individually, together, examples of what I want, and uh.....yea.... ;) haha I love you two so much and I'm so happy for ya'll. It was no acciedent that you two crazy kids met, and no accident that you were given the challenges you were given, because you've come out stronger and better people. I love you two.

Some of Life's Great Wonders...Just make me Wonder

I enjoy running. Sometimes I have to tell myself enjoy running mainly due to the fact that I couldn't stand how tight my pants had fit that day and the thought of running is more of what i enjoy, but either way; running, or what occasionally looks more like a fast past shuffle, is something I do on a regular basis. Today was more of a fast past shuffle kind of day, so I decided to find a place where the passing cars couldn't laugh at the pained expression on my face as I tried sucking in air. On days like these I find refuge in the local public middle track. On my way driving to this track I was attempting to find a song on my ipod to give me the adrenaline I knew I would need as soon as my feet hit the gravel, especially after the dinner I just partook of, little did I know, I was about to see something truly majestic and what turned to be into thought provoking. As I made my way down to the track slowly, anticipating the on coming stomach crap I looked up from my ipod and that's when I saw it. One of life's great wonders. The sky was draped in a kind of black silk that was slowly crawling across the atmosphere, a kind of deadly peaceful thing to see. Undeniably beautiful in any case, but slightly threatening. The threat I was feeling was probably due to the fact that I live in San Antonio and have almost forgotten the smell of rain sense the all consuming drought hit us. However, I continued to gaze up at the sky in wonder....as I wondered. My life sometimes feels like these weather patterns that Texas has adopted. At times I feel as if I'm going through a bit of a drought. Maybe it's with a certain friend that I'm missing, or a feeling I haven't been able to feel, or that feeling of pure anticipation to see him...Sometimes these things just aren't there. But then, just when I start to think this drought will never end, a sky like this shows up, with the promise of something beautiful, different, with the mystery of turning into slightly threatening, but non the less a cleansing from the sun and cracking dirt I've been getting use to.

Tell Them All I Know Now

"Tell them all i Know now, shout it from the roof tops..."

Have you ever noticed that after you go through an expirence, after you've been broken down to what the very core of you has been made of, you feel like you don't know ANYTHING anymore. That every thing that you thought you knew, has been shaken, and you start to wonder how complete of a person you are. Its not until you get to the point that you are no longer blind sighted from the hurt you were feeling that you start to understand what exactly happend, and then slowly your mind starts to comprehend why. Eventually we get to the point of being able to wrap our head around the fact that yes, it wasn't easy. But it was worth it...and it happend for a reason. This is where it happens though. This is how our radio becomes crowded with broken hearted love songs. This is where all of our sappy love movies we cry to on life time come from. And this my friends is where you find the inspiring facebook status's, and the I think I'm starting to understand it blog post. Because as soon as you get through whatever it is thats causing your sleepless nights and teary pillow cases, all you want to do is "shout it from the roof tops" and tell all those who feel incomplete, or heart broken in some way, that "what they hoped would be impossible" has happend. More importantly however....it will end, and we get to learn from it. Then we get to share all we know, even if just to ourselves.

in the words of a women wiser than i..."WHAT THE DOY!?"

have you ever had those moments where you wouldn't necessarily say that things were good, but they defiantly weren't bad? or your sitting in your car and you see a bag floating across the highway and for no good reason you start crazy laughing at it? or your stomach is rumbling but you're still saying your not hungry just cause you don't know what you want to eat? and the classic sitting at home thinking, I've done this the past two nights....i need to get out....only you cant figure out if you actually want to leave the house and attempt being social? these are the moments where you just look at your reflection and say.... "WHAT THE DOY?!?" a phrase I've picked up from one of my favorite people in this whole freaking world!

new chapter...nah, new book

you always hear about how sometimes you just need to start a new chapter in your life. when things just get to that point where you can no longer handle the chapter your in. well what no one ever tells you what to do when you've already turned the chapters. over and over and over. but some how every time you try and re-write the chapter the same crap comes back, just with different words. so what do you do then? i think sometimes we just need to open a new book. start over, pick a new cover, new title, and new characters. that's what i want. only thing is....i don't know how to start it. i don't want to fill this new book with silly distractions, i want it to mean something. i want people to see my book and want to read it, to be able to take a chapter from this new grand book and have it mean something to them, because it meant something to me. i want a new book.

waking up

life isn't a dream. sometimes it'll feel like that though. sometimes i feel like I'm just sleep walking, and my life is a bit of a dream. too good to be true. the older i get however i realize life can't always be this way. every now and then we go through times of pure dreaming, but for every good dream, there's the alarm clock that follows. as unwelcoming as that buzz in our ear can be, we shouldn't be bitter the dream is over. instead we should appreciate that it happened. chasing after a dream is like trying to catch your shadow. pointless and tiring. we have to wait for the times we're placed right under the sun and we're standing on our shadow. we have to wait for the nights where we're blessed with a dream. and then let it engulf us.

wouldn't that be nice...

hey, wouldn't it be great if life were like a computer? now i know absolutely nothing about computers and how they work, but i am aware however that they were made idiot proof for people like me! i am just filled with joy every time I'm typing something up and that beautiful thing of auto correct happens, or whatever the heck its called. I'm just going along my business and mid mistake..WHAM! the computer fixes it for me! i love it! or if it doesn't know how to fix it right away it makes that squiggly line under it and then gives me all these great suggestions on how to fix it! but maybe the best part about these gorgeous things is that even if i can correct all my mistakes, sometimes i just wont like the sentence, so i aim my next finger at the delete button! what a wonderful idea! it leaves absolutely no trace of the sentence that i wanted out of my story! sometimes i wish that someone would swoop in and auto correct my mistakes, or tell me when I'm messing up, and then give me options to fix it, and sometimes i would really love to be able to delete parts out of my story, have no trace of them! that way at the end of it all, all there is to read would be my best work. but i guess life isn't like that. but....wouldn't that be nice :)

words can not describe

how can you describe the taste of water? how can you explain the sound of rain? the touch of sand? the color of yellow? the feeling of love? how is it that there are so many things, feelings, and moments in this world that words cannot describe? yet the use of that very phrase...."words cannot describe" can explain so much.

you know what...i know :)

don't you love those times when you've got it figured out. you just know. you know who you are. where you stand. and what you want. i love that! but what i find ironic about that is, well at least for me, these moments seem to come in my greatest times of confusion! now I'm sure you're saying...uh, i think you are confused.. well you know what, i think that's the secret! its when we are so confused in our lives, when things are happening that we don't fully understand what on earth is going on, that survival instincts kick in. being the humans we are, we feel the need to have control. to understand SOMETHING! anything! so whenever something i don't understand feels like its taking over my life, i tend to rely on things i can figure out. things that i absolutely KNOW. its in these moments that i realize i know whats truly going on. maybe not all of it...but i do have the basics down.
i KNOW that i AM a daughter of god. and i deserve to be treated as such.
i KNOW that everything happens for a reason. He does not make mistakes, sometimes we make them out of what He gives us though.
i KNOW that there is always a way out.
i KNOW that i love my family, and they are worth the effort.
i KNOW that i have chosen my best friends wisely and that i love them more than they know.
i KNOW that my savior died for me, and wants me to return to Him.
and lastly, i KNOW that it'll all be worth it. not easy...but worth it.

somtimes.....

sometimes.....you have to totally forget about the calories your taking in
sometimes.....you have to remember, your not the only one
sometimes.....we need to forgive even when they're not asking to be forgiven
sometimes.....the world just kinda stops moving, and we need to enjoy that
sometimes.....the only thing that could possibly make anything better is a cheesy song, and tears
sometimes.....a smile reaches past a person's eyes, and hits their heart
sometimes.....we feel chub, so we spend an hour on our hair so people are looking at that instead
sometimes.....i like to sing to myself in the shower
sometimes.....there will be someone that COMPLETELY takes over your mind
sometimes.....you'll feel like you cant get up for another day
sometimes.....the biggest problem in your life will be filling up the tank
sometimes.....the only problem you DON'T have is filling up the tank
sometimes......you'll wish you could you could outrun the world
and then sometimes.....we wish that we had more of a promise than a sometimes, we want an always. so then we'll have to sometimes remind ourselves to look back and remember who, and what is ALWAYS there.

.........

waiting...waiting..............waiting even LONGER......................................gave up waiting.......started waiting again......gave it up again haha...............and then. SUPRISE! have nooo idea how i feel about anything...SUPRISE AGAIN!

goodness...good thing god made chocolate




p.s. be looking out, thats going to be the title of the book i will some day write ;)

let it fill your soul

there are so many things that we've been blessed with. i cannot even begin to list them. every person has hand picked and beautiful talents. we pass them every day and for the most part will never be able to know what amazing things the people we pass by posses. the man who bags your grocery's, the mother wrestling her three kids in the car, the grandfather in the hospital bed, or the child who stands against the wall at recess can do. but at the same time, we will have to opportunity to witness some of these people and their gifts, and let others witness our own gifts. we cannot let these moments, gifts and miracles pass us by without notice. please seek these. seek out your own, let them help make you who He wants you to be. it was no accident that you were blessed with these gifts, and it was no accident that you were given the chance to experiences others and their gifts. they come in so many forms. a good friend who knows exactly what to say, and how to listen, the virtue of patients, beauty with in, being capable of recognizing true beauty, music, the gift of words, and so many others. see these things and know that they were given to you to use and marvel in. let them fill your soul.

in my mind....that turned out better...

so to make myself feel better...I'm going to go ahead and take the liberty to pretend that what I'm going to admit is something totally normal, something that we all do. more often than not i find myself sitting quietly in the corner with an odd smile on my face. no this face is not some kind of a twitch, a weird reaction to my allergy medicine, or the product of a severe lack of sleep. all of which are things you will find me blaming on a regular bases. no I'll go ahead and tell what these odd smiles and weird faces are. i can say this in complete confidence on account i know that a grand total of three people read this...so I'm not sure why I'm beating around the bush..you're all fully aware of the amount of weirdness that comes with me. so here it goes. sometimes i find that whatever is happening in my life is not worthy of notice. sometimes i just get so bored with whats happening in and around my life that i chose to sit in the corner and making a little motion picture in my mind of my current situation that would be worthy of me being in that room. now i realize that there is a very good and high chance that most people don't do this, but i still don't feel bad for lumping you all with me at the beginning of this blog, because though it is true i am fully aware that most of the human race does not take it to my level of entertainment in my own mind, i am also fully aware that i am not the only one! don't pretend that before you go and talk to that cute guy you don't plan the perfect conversation in your mind! or while your walking and listening to music that your not purposely making the effort to walk to the beat making small little model faces picturing someone looking at you saying...hey, my life would be alot better if i knew that chick! yes yes...I'm going to continue to justify this to myself, even if its not all entirely true, cause i know its partly true! its gotta be! or else the time old phrase "yea...that turned out better in my mind..." would stop being used in movies!

I've been changed

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and in return...well i don't because i know i'm who i am today because i knew you.


i can't really describe how i feel. i'm sitting here typing and re-typing attempting to explain to myself what exactly is happening in my mind. honestly i don't know much. i don't know what i did to deserve all the amazing things that happen, but at the same time i don't always understand some of the trials in my life either. i don't know why it is i've been blessed with you in my life. but i was. and i am so thankful.

who can say if i've been changed for the better....but because i knew you, i have been changed for good.

Done.

i can not be here anymore. i'm running in quick sand in every aspect of my life. i'm trying so hard in so many different things and getting no where in all of them. i can't handle it anymore. i just need to leave for a bit. sometimes you have to leave to understand that maybe it isn't all THAT bad. but right now....it is THAT bad. i'm done.

A Moment

you hear people talk about wanting life changing moments, but what all these thrill seekers don't realize is...that's what life is. life is just a moment. one small moment in the broad picture of it all. so it is our job to let these seconds passing us by change our lives, because its only a moment. a glorious moment we're been blessed with. so don't waste it looking for 'something better.' cause only we have the ability to make this second our one big moment of life, make it 'something better.'

you lift me up

I have the best friends a girl could want. I wont even say ask for, because I wouldn't have even thought to ask for such amazing people in my life. I'm ridiculously blessed! You know those days where you feel totally alone? Or like there's absolutley nothing in your life thats working the way you wanted it? And sometimes your just avoiding every mirror you cross because you just feel like a cow and don't really want to look at yourself at the moment? Well I would be a liar if I told you I didn't have days like this. However I would also be considered a liar if I didn't told you that I felt like this for long, because it seems like every time I start feeling like any of these things one of the angles I get to call my best friends will call...or text....or take a spontaneous beach trip with me....or picnic with me with all the good intintions of working out after ;)....or delet that number for me....or make me laugh till I cry.....or dance like an idiot with me, perferably at whatab at a random time in the morning. With all these things that these friends do for me, I would be considered selfish to not be as happy as I am! Lindsey Robinson, your the better half of me, you are my twin of life, I don't want to picture my life with out you and I love you! Kristen Dunn, it doesn't matter what is happening in my life, all I need to do is hang out with you one day and I will be sore in the stomach the next day from laughter, and I love you! Lauren Dunn, there is absolutely no one like you, you make me think in different ways, and I love you! Brooke Hurley, I owe so much to you. The person I am today, my best friends, countless unforgetable moments, thank you, and I love you! Cydni Gardner, you are simply what the doctor ordered, your alwasy exactly what I need and when I need it! and I love you! There are so many others who I am so blessed to have in my life, but these people can bring tears to my eyes. And oh...by the way, your my best friends....and I think I forgot to tell you....I love you.

Improve The Shining Moment

Time flies on wings of lighting; we cannot call it back.
It come, the passes forward along its on ward track
And if we are not mindful the chance will fade away
For life is quick in passing.
Tis as a single day.

Our bodies, minds, families, friends, this beautiful earth. All these divine gifts we are given remind me of Christmas. And life is like the day after Christmas. Or the week. Then the month. Eventually it becomes the years. I'm sure we all do the same thing on Christmas morning. Rush down stairs to meet the glorious sight of Christmas morning. The presents shinning and wrapped under the decorated tree, and the glowing lights that surround it. As soon as we unwrap these gifts we've so anxiously been awaiting we are over joyed! We hug our gifts close to our chest and then proceed to pose in some ridiculous way for a family member pointing a camera at your face to capture the moment and embarass you later. The day after we receive this gift, its still something that can put a twinkle in our eye and love to tell people about every chance we get. The week after, your still trying to imagine what the heck you were doing before you got this! Months later, you find a place to put this gift because you don't really feel the need to carry it around anymore. Now years have passed sense you had that joyous moment of opening it, and you begin to forget how excited you were about it. Now you cant even remember where you put it, and are asking for the next best thing this Christmas. This is a common trait that we as a human race posses. Today in sacrament i felt like i should read our opening hymn, Improve the Shining Moments. Improve the shining moments; don't let them pass you by.
We need to improve this shining moment of life. Because that's all it is. A moment. A moment our loving God gave us as a gift. We need to remember, go back to that day we unwrapped it, time to take that embarrassing picture out of the trash and look back at how excited we were to use this gift to the best of its ability. Lets use our gifts of family, love, the Gospel, and share them. Let us place these gifts in a place of honor and never forget them. Because these are the gifts from our God, who "will love and bless you, and help to you impart."

Improve the Shining Moments, don't let them pass you by.

BUCKET LIST!!!

(P.S. these aren't in order)
1. write a book
2. Join Peace Corps
3. have at least 3 kiddo's
4. get married
5. help convert someone
6. finish the Book of Mormon
7. pet a lion
8. make a pizza in Italy
9. have someone quote me (preferably in a book, but Lindsey counts ;)
10. get into BYU-I
11. hike a mountain
12. catch a fish
13. donate a Christmas to a family in need
14. sing in public
15. ride a subway in New York...and live to tell the tale
16. see Greece
17. see Rome
18. see Scotland
19. ride a horse on a beach
20. scuba dive
21. motivational speak somewhere
22. tell John Bytheway he's my hero
23. meet a prophet
24. play hide and seek in the rain
25. ride a two person bike
26. ride on a motorcycle
27. surf
28. pick up an old couple's check at a restaurant
29. go to a fashion show
30. go to a Broadway show
31. be Bell for Halloween
32. learn how to do a hand stand
33. take a picture under the Ifle Tower doing a hand stand
34. get called on stage at a concert
35. be happy
36. name my children one of the following, Creed, Caron, Preslie, Paige
37. have a happily ever after
38. successfully match make someone
39. send my parents on a romantic get away for a big anniversary

He Lives, So I Stand All Amazed

"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me. Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me. I tremble to know that for me he was crucified, that for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Easter is a time of gratitude. Nothing changes on this day. We receive no special, glorious gift on this day, nor do we have some kind of elite ceremony. The miracle of the atonement is something we have at all times due to our loving Savior. So what is this day for? Sometimes as humans I think we need a quick swift kick in the pants to remember. Let us all take this one amazing day and devote it to thanking our Savior, Lord and King in any and every way we can. Let us never take what he endured for granted. He did it because He loves us, "that for me, a sinner, he suffered he bled and died." He Lives. He lives for us, and He died for us. So let us live for Him, and when we die, let us die to return to Him.

"We are born. We live. We laugh. Sometimes We cry.'

As you know if you're reading this, cause your either one of my best friends or my seester, I work in the book store on Saturdays. I've been doing this since this summer and at first it made me want to eat cardboard. However my feelings towards the book store have been changing. I've come to relize just how big of a role my Hevenly Father plays in my life. He knew that this was the job that I needed, and exactly when I needed it. This past Saturday when I was working, in between the five customors I had in an eight hour day...I had some time to kill. So I began reading an amazing book by Chris Stewart, and he had the most interesting point of views. We've all heard time and time again how we are the "chosen generation" and how the times that we live in are some of the most challenging. Well I'm not trying to cut us down, but I think It's about time we stop trying to compare ourselves to the pioneers who in the most remarkable way paved the way for us. Our Heavenly Father knows us each. He knows what lessons we need, and how best we would learn them. This is why we were put on this earth at this time. Each trial we go through is a blessing that He's just waiting to give us. So when we truly look at it, how different is our lives, and our trials, compared to those before us? " Our challenges may be different, but our lives are basically more similar than we sometimes suppose. We are born. We live. We laugh. Sometimes we cry." We must always take comfort in the fact that whatever we might be going through, someone else has been there. If not the same trial you seem to be in, something that tried them just the same. Pushed them to the point they thought they couldn't handle it anymore. We can never forget, He has faith in us. Let us have faith in ourselves. And let us help build eachother, because we are all going through this life with the same goal.

Let It Rain

The sound of rain. A simple noise that seems to sound different to each person. Some people shy away from rain. The sounds it makes against their rooves, the chill it gives them as it runs down their faces, or the puddles it makes in their front yards. Just because its not the sunshine they're use to, they run inside and lock the door to rain. Then there are those who in place of shutting their blinds to rain, take off their shoes and go charging through every puddle they can find! They embrace each drop that glides down their cheeks, and when it stops, they ring out their hair and go wash the smell away looking forward to the flowers they can now anticipate. Life is alot like this. Sometimes it rains. Its up to us however to decied if we want to take off our shoes and play, or stay inside trying to drowned out a sound that's only natural. Last night I tried to drowned out that sound, and all I can say is you can only turn your music up so loud. It took me till about half way through writing this to decied I want to make a splash in a puddle, cause tomorrow, or maybe even next week, I know theres gonna be beautiful flowers.

Learning To Laugh It off...

You know that time old question..."wow, haha that SUCKS! Does stuff like that actually happen to people?" How many times have we asked this to our buddies about some ridiculous story in between our laughs? I'll tell you how many times we've all asked this question. ALOT! And you know what...I'll do you one better, I'll even answer the quesion for you! Yes. Yes they do happen. And they happen to ME! I stayed home sick today and for some reason I started thinking of all the things that have happend to me that I could have easily sold to a 17 magizine for the embarassing moments page that people like to look at to feel better about falling on their face in Spanish class that day. Well I thought I would go ahead and take a moment to say your welcome. Your welcome for taking one for the team and being "that girl" that everyone can look at and say...well. At least THAT didn't happen to me! Your also welcome for being the same very girl who doesn't start crying, at least in front of you, and making it all awkward. Who even lets you make fun of her for days to come and laughs along with you. Cause if theres one thing I've learned through countless times of saying the wrong thing, landing on your face with the whole football team running behind you on the track, and completly flashing people with your skirt....is that you basically have two options. Laugh, or cry. I'm sure the day will come when I finally do the one thing that no amount of laughter will fix, but until that day...I chose to laugh. So feel free to laugh with me!

My Doggies Nose

So today has been one of those mental over load days. Not so much in a bad way, I got a lot of good out of what I was hearing and feeling. However at some point today I think my mind subconsciously shut down with a kind of animal instinct of survival. I was sitting in my kitchen with one of those tricky blank stare on my face. You know, the kind you see people do and you just start waving cause you have no idea what the heck they're looking at. Well I was reppin one of those while my poor father was talking to the family about some of the things he got out of church today. I gave it my best effort to listen, but I ended up just staring at my doggies nose. I LOVE THAT NOSE!! It just has a mind of its own! I kept wondering, "is she TRYING to make it move, or does it just constantly twitch??" She kept sniffing the ground before she would lay her head down as if she was inspecting it, IT WAS SO CUTE! I was tranced and decided I would write about it. Life is so ironic. After a day of mental ups downs and some pretty major realizations...I choose to document my puppies nose. hahahaI guess it is the little things that matter most sometimes.

my seeeester slash....BFF!!

So I am embarassed I have yet to talk about this major person in my life yet, but better late than never right! Brianna Lynn Cross/Smith. She's been the rock in my life. Whether shes been the rock I've been stubbing my toe and and screaming at, the rock holding me down when the wind was blowing, or just the stable rock that I held onto as the currents were pushing me under water. She's my best friend and I owe so much to her. We definatley aren't the kind of sisters who have ever enjoyed hugging and telling eachother how beautiful our hair looks that day, but she knows me better than I know myself and I thank God every day for putting her in my life. :)

P.S. shout out to Bri for making my wonderful new profile!! hehe

Using Whats Left Better

"You can't make up time; you can only use whats left, better." -Oscar G. Darlington
Dear Oscar G. Darlington,
I don't really know who you are, or what exactly you did that made you famous enough for people to put quote marks around your profound words, but thank you! I love this quote! As of lately I've been finding myself doing more wishing than actual DOING. And you might not be surprised to hear that it's not really getting me anywhere! Why is this? Probably because I'm the only one who can change my thoughts, or turn them into actions! I've found that trying to control all the variables around me is tiring, and pointless. There's no point in trying to run in quicksand, I can barley run on regular ground! So instead of putting myself in dream situations and working up a sweat to stay in the same freaking place I've been for the past several months...I'm deciding to start running on ground where I can see myself passing objects! But here's the best part, thanks to my buddy Oscar, I have also come to the conclusion that it is no longer necessary for me to keep going back and looking in the quicksand for all the time that I've "wasted" . No. I may not be able to "make up time" but you can bet your mothers sweet apple pie I will use whats left better. :)

passion

In my ready set teach class we had a guest speaker talk to us about being a teacher. the way he was talking about the profession he chose was inspiring. even if becoming a teacher may seem as a laughable feild to you, or simply not worth the pay, the way he sopke with such passion is what made me, and even the air head blonde begind me sit on the edge of our seats. What i gathered from this mans speech to us about our futures and occupation choices was that no matter what your doing, who you are, or where you might be in you life, it is so important to have meaning behind what your doing. I don't ever want to reach that point that i wake up in the morning being able to guess exactly what i'm going to do that day and the soul purpose behind me doing said things is to pay the bills, or because its better than nothing. I want to get up having expectations of an expirence. Good or bad; just something to learn and grow from. I want passion to be in the front seat of my everyday life. I want what i do to be something that means something. I wont just "pay the bills"

laying a foundation today, to build on tomorrow

trials...there the memories that wake you up in the middle of the night, the fresh tears running down your cheeks, the parts of our lives that we end up denying to our self just because we can. We spend our days running from these unavoidable moments of weakness in our lives. How many times do we allow ourselves to take these crashing moments and let them beat us. How many times do we think to ourselves that this is simply too much, that there hasbeen some sort of mistake; there's no way this was suppose to happen to you. How many times do we think that this might be the end of what we know. That this for sure will be one of those moments that change us, take apart our hearts and put them back together in a different order. I never liked the kind of people who pretended like they had it all together, or that they understood everything that your going through, so I'm not going to be that girl. I'm not going to say that I have it all together, because I don't. Not even close. And I'm not going to say that I've had a ruff life. I look at the children in the hospital diagnosed with cancer, and don't have any real memories outside their hospital room, or the mother who lost her child, get up and face every day with a careful smile praying for a better day tomorrow. I've yet to experience much, and there's so much I don't know. But what I do know is that we are all part of something that is so much bigger than we can truly comprehend. There's not a tear that's shed with out our God knowing, and wishing he could tell you how great he thinks you are. So many times we forget to remember that these trials are for. There not meant to tare us down. We're meant to take these moments and learn from them. Let us take our weakness's and make them our strengths. Let us remember we're not in this alone. And most of all let us remember to have faith in ourselves, He has asked nothing of us we can not with stand. I thank God for the trials he's given me, and the people he's sent to help me get through them, but most importantly I thank him for the lesson's that I know he prepared for me to learn through each one. I'm laying a foundation today to build on tomorrow.

OuT $iDe

Today has been such a gorgeous day!! I love the outside :) It's so ironic. When people think of the "great outdoors" they think about how simple it all seems, how peaceful it is. That's when the irony comes to play. Cause when you really take a closer look to God's amazing creation you realize the complexity of it all. Each ant that devours your melted Popsicle, each bird that sings as it passes, and each cloud that shields your eyes from the sun is so complex. They all have their own design and purpose, and if we were missing one of these elements we would be thrown off balance. I think I like it so much cause that's how life kinda works in general. Each small thing, each person, each smile you share is part of something much bigger. Sometimes its the quiet girl you pass on the way to math class, or the nervous looking boy who made your subway sandwich that we can learn the most from. Each person has something special to offer, something beautiful. Things are always more than they seem. It's just our job to find the beauty beneath it all.

ok so i am so excited that i now have a blog!! Firsty because I know nothing about computers and I actually figured out how to make one! And sencondly because i was just thinking to myself..."hey self, if i had a blog right now, i would have lots to say" and this is what i have to say today....



So today I am unfortunaltely feeling USED! Which is ironic cause i was just talking the other day about how much I admire my mother in so many ways, minus the fact she let's people walk all over her...but here I am...THE FREAKIN DOOR MAT! I wine all the time about how "he's" using me and I'm so done with it, but as soon as "he" talks to me I completely forget my resolve! Or about how whenever I'm talking to "her" the conversation doesn't drift from "her" life, but as soon as the conversation starts dying, I ask another random question about her life! WHY WHY WHY do I chase the things I want to run away from?! I'm so sick of myself! alright. This is it. I love doing things for other people and seeing them happy, but at some point i need to do something for myself. Today I'm going to make myself happy. So here's to making it official...

Dear World,

This day of February 20Th, 2011 I would like to cordially announce to all you fine people that i have picked myself up, dusted off your foot prints, and put myself INSIDE the house! Sara Cross is no longer a door mat! So if you would like to talk to me...knock, and if you brought me something pretty...I'll think about letting you in :)