Wishful Thinking...

I stayed home sick today from school. Mom's off at work, and so is dad. Its just me and my pooche here. Most of the time i really enjoy some alone time, today however I am left to way too much thought. So instead of driving myself crazy with a loopy-de-loop thought process that could be viewed as comical...or dangerous..haha I decieded to get out the Christmas decorations. Well unfortunatley this didn't help. Mainly due to the fact that I have realized that I do not pocess that girly characteristic of being able to decorate. I suck at it. So I gave up on that and sat on the floor frustrated surrounded by Christmas decorations. In my frustration I decieded to think about something I was good at! Present giving!! My mind kicked into over drive thinking of what I wanted to get people for Christmas! I started making a list in my head of the people i just HAD to get the perfect present for. Then I started brainstorming all the things I knew these amazing people deserved and how I wanted so bad to be the one to give it to them. It was a lot of fun! Until I realized something...I'm a hostess at a tiny restuarnt...who makes minimum wage. Wouldn't it be nice if I could be rich just for one holiday, just for a tiny bit. Oh me and my horrible decorating skills, lack of money, and wishful thinking.

And Now I Welcome You To....Limbo

You know what I have realized? How much of this life we spend waiting. Waiting for "him"...Waiting to drop those few pounds...Waiting in line at the grocery store...Waiting for a call....Waiting to hear back from a job...Waiting....Waiting..WAITING!!!! Luckly we normally find ourselves in the posistion of concentrating on waiting for one thing in particular. However...every now and then we find ourseleves at a point where we are waiting for EVERYTHING! This is a little place I like to call Limbo. I feel a bit like Nemo when I'm here. Like I'm in a fish bowl watching people come in and out of the doctor's office, occasionally pressing their faces up against the glass leaving smuges. I can't really move anywhere until I decied to break out! Then after I make this decision...I still have to wait for the perfect time to do it! Well here I am...welcome to Limbo. I have been accepted into the college I want to go to...I have sent our a few letters to some beloved missionary's of mine....and I have done (well at least I think I have) what I can for the people I love around me. I should probably consider putting up some decorations, possibly planting a few flowers, cause I think I'm going to be stuck in Limbo for quite some time.

I've Been Saved

The summer previous to my junior year I was struggling. Struggling with myself, with my religion, just the kind of person I wanted to be and the person I was allowing myself to turn into. This was the summer that I met you. It all started with a letter cordially inviting me to sit with them at lunch. So silly. Little did you know that you were saving me. You made me realize so much. Who I am, what I want, and that this gospel was true. I've always preached to everyone around me how great they were but I could never convince myself how great I was and that I was a true daughter of a king as well. You have helped me realize this. I can not thank you enough. I literally think about what you have done for me daily. I know that you're struggling right now, and believe it makes me hurt. I hurt so bad to watch you slowly forget how unbelievable you are. I just want you to know that it might not be OK right now, but it will be. You saved me and I will be here for you no matter what. I am praying for you daily, thinking of you constantly, and grateful for you eternally. I love you more than I can say, please...please know that.

We Are Animals!

So first of all Happy Thanksgiving to all my avid readers! consisting on my best friends! ha ha
Today my family and I celebrated this wonderful holiday made for elastic pants and loose t-shirts in the best way possible. We woke up slowly making our way downstairs to the smell of delicious food, and of course the Macy's Day Parade dancing its way across our big screen down stairs. Around 12 we moseyed on over to our car to go to go ole Hank and Tammy's house carrying varies thanksgiving treats as well as two dogs. My big, lovable, and old German Shepard Chanel. Then as a new addition to the family this week is Daisy. A tiny little white fluffy dog that gives me the strong urge to put in a purse while I wear a pink dress and go to law school. Proceeding with the day, we stuffed our faces....until it hurt...naturally. Then with our full belly's we all sat around the television and made old Uncle Sam proud. We watched football. Endless amounts of football drifting in and out of our turkey coma's and making funny comments here and there. In between exciting plays we all watched the four dogs we had brought together for the occasion interact. It was here that I realized how ridiculously animal like we are!
Daisy, our new addition, and Hank and Tammy's dog Chandler, "hit it off" to say the least. At first these dogs merly sniffed and circled each other. However by the end of the evening they became quite comfy together. If Chandler ever decide he needed a small rest from all the absurd amount of flirting he was putting in, he would find a nice place on the rug where Daisy would make her way over strutting her stuff. After playing a little "hard to get" Chandler would get right back up and start chasing away. By the end of the night they were practically making out! We had to get the shock collar on that boy! This made me laugh for a number of reasons. Firstly just cause they were so darn cute to watch. Secondly because being honest here...This game they were playing just so happens to be one of my favorite pass times! However, since I'm already being completely honest might as well admit, I am absolutely itching in anticipation for the day the game is over. No more chasing, no more running, just settling down by the fire with the other two old dogs...enjoying my full belly, and resting with someone I love, knowing he Love's me too. Sometimes that's pretty hard to imagine, but I'm praying he's out there, just as excited as I am. Until that day....I guess we can all just be animals!

I've never really been that good at Tug-a-War

Have you ever felt like you were in the middle of a tug-a-war game. Only you don't get the privilege of picking a side..no instead you get to be the rope. Well I am currently playing that game. And unfortunately, I am the rope. In so many aspects of my life I am being drug in two separate directions. More than anything I want to be there for both sides that are tugging on me, but there is only so much I can do. I cannot, despite fervent efforts on my part, please everyone. I'm completely lost right now. How can I help you, and YOU at the same time? Is it even possible? When do I have to start doing something for myself, and how do I even do that when all "myself" wants is for you to be happy. And YOU to be happy. Going through times like these makes me respect my father in heaven so much. How many times does he have to watch us struggle and know that he can only help us as much as we want to be helped. At this point I'm just praying that I will find the right way to handle my life right now. In the mean while, I'm so sorry....I've just never been that good at Tug-a-War.

When?

Sometimes there are no answers that we are excesible to. We just don't know why what's happening is happening. It's times like these that all we can really do is ask why...and then accept that there's just not going to be an answer. So thats what I'm going to do. I am going to just send a question out there that I can not find an answer to.

When?

 When is it suppose to get easier?

When am I suppose to accept what I now know is the TRUTH?

 When will I be able to start doing something for myself?

When will having to say goodbye going to become less painful?

When will I find someone that actually wants me...all the time? Is he even there?

Just as a side note, Jacob Walker Robinson, I am going to miss you more than you know. I am so proud of you and I love you so much. I can not thank you enough for doing what you have done for me, you have been the best friend I don't deserve, and I'll be seeing you in two years.

Isn't it Ironic...

I find life to be one huge ironic moment. How many times do we find ourselves rumaging through the frige because we have to make cookies for some odd reason we normally woulnd't have, and....no eggs. Even though just two days ago we had a whole carton. Or you purposely go to bed early a night so you can get up early to have a good hair day to you can suprise the kids at school (cause by this point they're all pretty use to you looking like a hobo) and this is the one morning your waiting and prepared for that dreaded alarm to go off....oops, malfuntion...no alarm. Or what seems to be taking over MY life at the current moment, when all you want is to not have plans for the day, and your day is filled to the point your basically saying "hey father time, this whole 24 hour day thing....yea, its not going to work out so much for me today. How does 28 sound?"  And then I have those days where you literally cannot think of a reason to leave the house. Why is it whenever I find myself sitting at home thinking..."hey wouldn't it be nice to have an excuse to get dressed...or uh...bathe..." and the only thing I want is to get out of the stinking house! But whenever I have TOO many things to do...all I want is a day where I have nothing to do. For some reason my life often takes the pattern of coming in huge waves all at once, or I'm lucky if the wind creates a little movement. Maybe this is just me being picky with what I want....or maybe life is as ironic as I think it is.