Not Enough

Sometimes questions you aren't really sure if you want the real answer to are great to just send out there. I think that's why God created the Internet. So we can each send out questions, knowing that we may not get an answer, but also knowing that the most important part was that we got to ask it. So I am going to ask a question. 

Has anyone ever felt like they just weren't enough? For anything really. Not that you are awful at everything you try, but that you just aren't really enough? And if you have, where do you go from here?

I have always struggled a bit with self worth, knowing that I am a divine child of God, but not really believing in all the potential those four words can hold. I have never in my life though had a harder time with this struggle, trial, this fear of mine. What am I enough for? 

This feeling of not being enough often causes for the need to prove. I am constantly feeling as if I need to be proving myself to others, to myself, to God, but to be honest, I don't even know what it is that I 

am trying to prove anymore. 

Do I want to prove that i AM enough? Or am I scared that if I attempt to prove that and fail, it is no longer a question that I get to cast out into the abyss of the great and terrible Internet, it would be undeniable that I was not enough. Or is it possible that I am looking to prove that maybe I am not enough, and maybe that is OK. 

The older I get the more I realise that it isn't really an option of just being OK with not being enough. Someday I want to be enough for a man, he'll only want me, and he'll want me all the time. Someday I want to be enough for society, that I'll contribute a skill to help and to benefit. Someday I want to be enough for the wonderful friends and family I have in my life, to be someone they deserve. And one day I want to be the woman that my God could be proud of. A woman He smiles down on admiring my bravery in facing the world and believing in what I could become. 

I am praying that one of these days, hopefully sooner rather than later, I will feel that I am enough. Until that day comes, I guess I can just ask the questions I am scared to answer myself. 

Super Mom

Before I made my way up to college my head was filled with do's and don'ts from everyone and their mothers. (Quite literally I mean "everyone" and "their mothers") People my age filled my imagination with ideas of late night parties, eating noodles for every meal, and a constant stream of boys that would absolutely be all mine. Then their mothers filled my noggin with a consistent encouraging prompts to remember who I am and enjoy myself, but to make sure I'm eating my vegetables and remembering that I am there for SCHOOL too. Well let me tell all you who have yet to make your way out of the house  what it is ACTUALLY about. It's all about you. It is all about what you want to make of it, and more importantly what you want to get out of it. You are truly forced to begin to figure yourself out and what you sincerely want out of this life that you are living. Now, while what each individual discovers will be different, don't get me wrong. There will be a couple late night parties, (followed by an even later night of procrastinated studying) some nights of noodle eating, a few boys (not what you expect...calm down) and hopefully some vegetables. Here are a few of the things that I have discovered in my few months of experience: 

• I love my family more than I understood.
• Everyone has specific talents to offer the world which contributes to our society in some way.
• What I want most, out of absolutely everything in this whole world, is to be a wife and mother that my mom would be proud of. I want my kids to want to hang out with me and hopefully love me as much as I already love them. 
• I NEED a clean home! I had know idea that I liked things so clean! Who knew?!
• I will have a priesthood holder for a husband who honors his duties to the Lord, and to me.
• You can live off of canned chicken, eggs, and dried fruit. NOM! 
• Music can get you through a long night a little bit easier.
• No matter where you go or what people say, there are going to be individuals who use you. And if you let them, they will use you until there is nothing left to use. Don't let them.
• A best friend to cry with you every now and then is something we all need.
• There is absolutely nothing you cannot turn to the Lord for. 
• Cleaning the kitchen is always more fun with a best friend and a tiny dance party.
• Alone time can be very very necessary. 
• Snow is horrible. 
• Always take the time to have a random trip to California. 
• Valentines day is meant for best friends.
• Windex can clean everything. 
• I don't really like dogs all that much. 
• cupcakes are good. 
• Give credit where credit is due. To yourself, to those around you, to the Lord. 
• I am so very loved. 
• I grew up with a super mom. 
• I want to be a super mom too. 

"like wishing for rain as i stand in the desert"

My sister is an extremely talented musician. My best friend Holly can make coffee nervous, when that girl wants to do something, I dare one of you mere humans to try and stand in her way. My little sister has them moves like jagger that we keep hearing about on the radio, not to mention she doesn't need any wheaties in the morning to get her brain pumping, she's got that covered on her own. My mother loves more than anyone I know. My friend Hannah has the voice of a baby angle. My cousin Danny is disgustingly built and could break me in half with his eyebrows. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people with talents that cannot be ignored. I love that I have tricked so many skilled people into being friends with me. However I often catch myself thinking, 

"hey self, what are you good at?" 

I don't mean this in a oh feel bad for me sort of deal, I mean it in a, I'm in college now, I should probably do some soul searching and find out what I'm good at because real life is knocking on my door wanting to know what I plan on doing when I let it in. So I've been giving this some serious thought lately. And I have come to the following conclusion; my strength that most would consider to be a talent, just so happens to be my weakness. Is that ironic? Or is that typically how things go?

It has been my observation that the human species in general do much better at things they find joy in, whatever these things may be, then these things tend to turn into our talents or our strengths. I find extreme joy in befriending people. I love more than anything to love people. Because it makes me so happy, I put extra effort in doing this, ergo it has turned into a bit of a strength of mine I suppose. Well life, being as humorous and ironic as it is, has found a way of turning this into a bit of a weakness of mine as well. 

Something I have learned, and learned well over the years, when you throw your heart out in a friendship, not everyone will use extreme caution with it, and then some won't even bother putting some gloves on. This causes for some bruising, a few cuts and scraps, and sometimes it'll get stepped on a bit. 

Like everything else in life, you have to pick your battles. And something that I have learned to accept, is that yes, you have to be careful who you throw your heart to, but also, if something makes you happy, truly happy, its worth a little bruise you can learn from later. Live without regrets and you will experience and learn more than you could if you gave up. But every now and then you'll just catch yourself wishing for rain while you stand in the desert. 

They Call it Chapter One for a Reason. Cause It's Not the End.

If any of you are readers you know the proper way to book shop. First you pick the section that appeals most to your interest. Fiction, Romance, Horror, History, Mystery, Suspense, Biography, Science, Religion, really there is something for everyone. Alright, so you have picked the section that would best fit your imaginations cravings. Next you search diligently for a title that catches your interest. This can be tricky sometimes, some might even call it deceiving. After this crucial step you have probably ended up with a handful of books in your arms with a pretty heavy decision to make. Now this is the step that separates the amateurs from the real readers. Some people will just chose to read the back summary....these are the people I would like to classify as the amateurs. This is like looking at someone and thinking to yourself, "hey self, they're kinda cute, I should get to know them." Then hearing from someone that once 10 years ago they did this one thing at that one place that clearly means that that is just the kind of person they are. It is a quick over view that gives you no real idea of what is in store for you if you choose to make the purchase and read the book. The next group of people like to read the first few pages, maybe the first chapter, they like to see if it catches their attention, because obviously the first few pages is exactly what you are going to get for the next couple hundred of pages right? No. You people are amateurs as well. Sorry. Just because you may read about something in the first few chapters does not mean that that is how the rest of the story will go. Every good story has a couple of good twist and turns, and every story must BUILD off of the first chapter. Not stay in the same place. People are like this too. Just because you can get the readers digest version, a quick back of the book summary of a person, does not under any circumstances mean you are getting a real  idea of what that person could hold in store for you. In a good or a bad way. And just because you may come across the first chapter of someone's life, that most certainly does not mean that chapter 10 will not surprise you. They call it chapter One for a reason. Because it is not the end. So let me tell you how the real readers pick out their books. They know what they are going into the store for. They find a title that they like, they flip through it crossing your fingers for some pictures (not enough books have pictures), then you make a choice and you read it. You read every page so you can understand it and then make a judgement for yourself. If someone ever only read my first chapter I would have no friends. My first chapter has helped me build to the chapter I am currently residing in, and let me tell you, it is not the same and it is not the end.

When Its Love

I absolutely love children. Sometimes I'm convinced that they are the reason I am here. To learn and to love them more than anyone else can. There are so many things that I love about them. I love their little feet, their giggles, their yawns, they way they laugh so freely, how willing they are to get right back up when they fall down, their imagination, their little bellies, but there is something that I think I love the most about them. Children have this unbelievable heart that is so capable and excited to love. A child is so untainted by this world that we have filled with lies that they can just love in its purest form. How often do we find ourselves wanting so desperately to let go of the hurt and distrust we have experienced and just love? Have you ever paid attention to the way it feels when a child runs into your arms for a hug? There is nothing being held behind their emotions. No games, or unsaid messages, just love. When did we let this go? What age did we start to not trust each other enough to let love be what its suppose to be, easy.
The older we get, do we start distrusting others to truly love us, or do we stop trusting ourselves to truly love others?

almost.

Sometimes I feel like my life is one huge "almost". There are so many different parts of me, so many different things that I want out of myself, so many things I'm passoniate about and so many dreams I harvest at the pit of what makes me me. Yet with everywhere I go in life, or everything I try turns out as an "almost". It makes me wonder if I'm just not trying hard enough, or a thought I try and avoid, is it just me? I guess there has to be someone who comes second so there can be that big smile that the winner wears proudly. Honestly I enjoy that though. There's something about watching someone's face light up with the glow of a success that maybe they didn't think possible. I love watching people realize who they are and how much they have to offer. Sometimes I just wish I could see myself end up with something a little more to show than a big "almost".

Shakin'....Not Stirred

Typically as we grow older the idea's in our heads begin to stir inside us. We start putting them in motion, or maybe start prioritising which ones have become more important, other times they are being stirred simply to get out of the way for a new idea, a new dream, a new love, a new life even. This is a natural circular pattern that occurs in our lives. But you know what? I've never really been that normal. I do not really believe that anything in my mind gets "stirred" as a grow older. Nope they get shakin'! I tend to go through random times in my life where multiple things will occur to me all at once! Then I get so excited and stirring things in my head....only that's not fast enough. So I just start shakin' to make sure I have all the room I need for my new ideas! Well by the end of it all, I don't even remember where I put everything! So I have to start weeding through my insane thought process with a 'keep' and 'dispose of' pile in the corner of my mind. It is quite a tiring process, and to be honest, I am sure that the stirring way is much more efficient. But I like my way, it helps me discover a little more about myself every time, and as it turns out, there is quite a bit to discover. So if you ever see me sitting in the corner with my eyebrow's pushed together, possibly my fingers rubbing the temples of my head.....not to worry. I am A-OK. I probably am just trying to make sense of my shakin' mind.