Twenty-Teen Right?

I cannot believe how quickly my life is speeding past me. I feel like I'm on a really long car ride. I have my cheek pressed up against the window occasionally starring blindly as the blurred objects pass me by, concentrating at times on the beauty passing me by, closing my eyes and blocking out the ugly view every now and then, Throwing my head back in laughter because sometimes you just can't hold back the silly inside you anymore, but always anticipating something coming. My arrival to my long expected destination. This life I have so graciously been given is slurring past me and I think I am closing my eyes a little too much.

Im turning 20 in just a short month. How did that happen? Did I close my eyes one to many times on my road trip? Because I am feeling a little bit like I just want to stop and take some pictures at the next rest stop, even if its a desert town in the middle of no where. The pressure of figuring out my life is beginning to crash down on me leaving its marks.

Have I finally hit that place where I'm ready to start settling into what I can claim as my own? My own career. My own family. My own actions. My own consequences. My own life. My own love.

All of that sounds so enticing to me. I want to proudly claim each of those things that will ad up to make the legacy of what I am calling my life. If thats true why is it my lip starts to quiver a bit everytime I think about it?

What if I'm not good enough? What if I land flat on my face? What happens if I can't find love in this life? Are any of these cliche questions a good enough reason to keep myself from throwing everything I have into it? And how do I best go about doing that?

Can I just stay twenty-teen for a little bit longer?

Ay Papi

Over the years he has accumulated many names.
Ay Papi
Parental Unit
Daddy
Daddio
Cookie Monster
Dad
He was the first man I ever loved, and the man that will love me the longest. He use to be the tickle tackle monster I would run around and laugh with, and now is the man I sit down and discuss my life goals with, knowing that if there is one person in this world who will be honest with me and always help me along the way, its him. He taught me to appreciate good 80's music, and to never turn on his Longhorns. He showed me the importance of the Gospel and what it can bring to my life, and the importance of keeping a balance in life. His voice will always be in the back of my head with all his many catch phrases, words of advice, and his sweet laughter that gets the whole family laughing, despite his joke (or attempted joke). I love you more than I can tell you dad. Thank you for everything.

Not Enough

Sometimes questions you aren't really sure if you want the real answer to are great to just send out there. I think that's why God created the Internet. So we can each send out questions, knowing that we may not get an answer, but also knowing that the most important part was that we got to ask it. So I am going to ask a question. 

Has anyone ever felt like they just weren't enough? For anything really. Not that you are awful at everything you try, but that you just aren't really enough? And if you have, where do you go from here?

I have always struggled a bit with self worth, knowing that I am a divine child of God, but not really believing in all the potential those four words can hold. I have never in my life though had a harder time with this struggle, trial, this fear of mine. What am I enough for? 

This feeling of not being enough often causes for the need to prove. I am constantly feeling as if I need to be proving myself to others, to myself, to God, but to be honest, I don't even know what it is that I 

am trying to prove anymore. 

Do I want to prove that i AM enough? Or am I scared that if I attempt to prove that and fail, it is no longer a question that I get to cast out into the abyss of the great and terrible Internet, it would be undeniable that I was not enough. Or is it possible that I am looking to prove that maybe I am not enough, and maybe that is OK. 

The older I get the more I realise that it isn't really an option of just being OK with not being enough. Someday I want to be enough for a man, he'll only want me, and he'll want me all the time. Someday I want to be enough for society, that I'll contribute a skill to help and to benefit. Someday I want to be enough for the wonderful friends and family I have in my life, to be someone they deserve. And one day I want to be the woman that my God could be proud of. A woman He smiles down on admiring my bravery in facing the world and believing in what I could become. 

I am praying that one of these days, hopefully sooner rather than later, I will feel that I am enough. Until that day comes, I guess I can just ask the questions I am scared to answer myself. 

Super Mom

Before I made my way up to college my head was filled with do's and don'ts from everyone and their mothers. (Quite literally I mean "everyone" and "their mothers") People my age filled my imagination with ideas of late night parties, eating noodles for every meal, and a constant stream of boys that would absolutely be all mine. Then their mothers filled my noggin with a consistent encouraging prompts to remember who I am and enjoy myself, but to make sure I'm eating my vegetables and remembering that I am there for SCHOOL too. Well let me tell all you who have yet to make your way out of the house  what it is ACTUALLY about. It's all about you. It is all about what you want to make of it, and more importantly what you want to get out of it. You are truly forced to begin to figure yourself out and what you sincerely want out of this life that you are living. Now, while what each individual discovers will be different, don't get me wrong. There will be a couple late night parties, (followed by an even later night of procrastinated studying) some nights of noodle eating, a few boys (not what you expect...calm down) and hopefully some vegetables. Here are a few of the things that I have discovered in my few months of experience: 

• I love my family more than I understood.
• Everyone has specific talents to offer the world which contributes to our society in some way.
• What I want most, out of absolutely everything in this whole world, is to be a wife and mother that my mom would be proud of. I want my kids to want to hang out with me and hopefully love me as much as I already love them. 
• I NEED a clean home! I had know idea that I liked things so clean! Who knew?!
• I will have a priesthood holder for a husband who honors his duties to the Lord, and to me.
• You can live off of canned chicken, eggs, and dried fruit. NOM! 
• Music can get you through a long night a little bit easier.
• No matter where you go or what people say, there are going to be individuals who use you. And if you let them, they will use you until there is nothing left to use. Don't let them.
• A best friend to cry with you every now and then is something we all need.
• There is absolutely nothing you cannot turn to the Lord for. 
• Cleaning the kitchen is always more fun with a best friend and a tiny dance party.
• Alone time can be very very necessary. 
• Snow is horrible. 
• Always take the time to have a random trip to California. 
• Valentines day is meant for best friends.
• Windex can clean everything. 
• I don't really like dogs all that much. 
• cupcakes are good. 
• Give credit where credit is due. To yourself, to those around you, to the Lord. 
• I am so very loved. 
• I grew up with a super mom. 
• I want to be a super mom too. 

"like wishing for rain as i stand in the desert"

My sister is an extremely talented musician. My best friend Holly can make coffee nervous, when that girl wants to do something, I dare one of you mere humans to try and stand in her way. My little sister has them moves like jagger that we keep hearing about on the radio, not to mention she doesn't need any wheaties in the morning to get her brain pumping, she's got that covered on her own. My mother loves more than anyone I know. My friend Hannah has the voice of a baby angle. My cousin Danny is disgustingly built and could break me in half with his eyebrows. I am surrounded by so many wonderful people with talents that cannot be ignored. I love that I have tricked so many skilled people into being friends with me. However I often catch myself thinking, 

"hey self, what are you good at?" 

I don't mean this in a oh feel bad for me sort of deal, I mean it in a, I'm in college now, I should probably do some soul searching and find out what I'm good at because real life is knocking on my door wanting to know what I plan on doing when I let it in. So I've been giving this some serious thought lately. And I have come to the following conclusion; my strength that most would consider to be a talent, just so happens to be my weakness. Is that ironic? Or is that typically how things go?

It has been my observation that the human species in general do much better at things they find joy in, whatever these things may be, then these things tend to turn into our talents or our strengths. I find extreme joy in befriending people. I love more than anything to love people. Because it makes me so happy, I put extra effort in doing this, ergo it has turned into a bit of a strength of mine I suppose. Well life, being as humorous and ironic as it is, has found a way of turning this into a bit of a weakness of mine as well. 

Something I have learned, and learned well over the years, when you throw your heart out in a friendship, not everyone will use extreme caution with it, and then some won't even bother putting some gloves on. This causes for some bruising, a few cuts and scraps, and sometimes it'll get stepped on a bit. 

Like everything else in life, you have to pick your battles. And something that I have learned to accept, is that yes, you have to be careful who you throw your heart to, but also, if something makes you happy, truly happy, its worth a little bruise you can learn from later. Live without regrets and you will experience and learn more than you could if you gave up. But every now and then you'll just catch yourself wishing for rain while you stand in the desert. 

They Call it Chapter One for a Reason. Cause It's Not the End.

If any of you are readers you know the proper way to book shop. First you pick the section that appeals most to your interest. Fiction, Romance, Horror, History, Mystery, Suspense, Biography, Science, Religion, really there is something for everyone. Alright, so you have picked the section that would best fit your imaginations cravings. Next you search diligently for a title that catches your interest. This can be tricky sometimes, some might even call it deceiving. After this crucial step you have probably ended up with a handful of books in your arms with a pretty heavy decision to make. Now this is the step that separates the amateurs from the real readers. Some people will just chose to read the back summary....these are the people I would like to classify as the amateurs. This is like looking at someone and thinking to yourself, "hey self, they're kinda cute, I should get to know them." Then hearing from someone that once 10 years ago they did this one thing at that one place that clearly means that that is just the kind of person they are. It is a quick over view that gives you no real idea of what is in store for you if you choose to make the purchase and read the book. The next group of people like to read the first few pages, maybe the first chapter, they like to see if it catches their attention, because obviously the first few pages is exactly what you are going to get for the next couple hundred of pages right? No. You people are amateurs as well. Sorry. Just because you may read about something in the first few chapters does not mean that that is how the rest of the story will go. Every good story has a couple of good twist and turns, and every story must BUILD off of the first chapter. Not stay in the same place. People are like this too. Just because you can get the readers digest version, a quick back of the book summary of a person, does not under any circumstances mean you are getting a real  idea of what that person could hold in store for you. In a good or a bad way. And just because you may come across the first chapter of someone's life, that most certainly does not mean that chapter 10 will not surprise you. They call it chapter One for a reason. Because it is not the end. So let me tell you how the real readers pick out their books. They know what they are going into the store for. They find a title that they like, they flip through it crossing your fingers for some pictures (not enough books have pictures), then you make a choice and you read it. You read every page so you can understand it and then make a judgement for yourself. If someone ever only read my first chapter I would have no friends. My first chapter has helped me build to the chapter I am currently residing in, and let me tell you, it is not the same and it is not the end.

When Its Love

I absolutely love children. Sometimes I'm convinced that they are the reason I am here. To learn and to love them more than anyone else can. There are so many things that I love about them. I love their little feet, their giggles, their yawns, they way they laugh so freely, how willing they are to get right back up when they fall down, their imagination, their little bellies, but there is something that I think I love the most about them. Children have this unbelievable heart that is so capable and excited to love. A child is so untainted by this world that we have filled with lies that they can just love in its purest form. How often do we find ourselves wanting so desperately to let go of the hurt and distrust we have experienced and just love? Have you ever paid attention to the way it feels when a child runs into your arms for a hug? There is nothing being held behind their emotions. No games, or unsaid messages, just love. When did we let this go? What age did we start to not trust each other enough to let love be what its suppose to be, easy.
The older we get, do we start distrusting others to truly love us, or do we stop trusting ourselves to truly love others?